Nappygate: The Antenatal Class Conspiracy

There is something about a new mother’s dazed expression as she stands in the nappy aisle with a baby in her shopping basket and a packet of frozen peas over her shoulder. It’s not lack of sleep; it’s not too much gas and air. It’s the realisation that nobody ever warned her:

1. Epidurals were invented when a woman pinned an anaesthetist against a wall and yelled, “Just think of something!”
2. There is no end to the orifices you can leak from.
3. Sleep deprivation is the real reason for ‘Baby on Board’ stickers.
4. New parent couples are told to ‘find time for each other’ because they have eight times as many arguments as ordinary couples and they’ve got to fit them all in somehow.

Maybe it’s because the population is ageing and Motherhood is in need of some positive spin. Who knows? Whatever it is, antenatal advice all over the country has been tampered with – leaving only those notes that support the following theories:

1. Proper mums can get through labour with a positive thought and a paracetamol.
2. Proper mums find baby talk intellectually stimulating.
3. Proper mums look like the ones in the advertisements.
4. Babies bring proper parents closer together.
5. Baby care is easy – you just have to follow the instructions.

Nappygate – what they weren’t supposed to tell you…

Click here to read Nappygate extract.